The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation


Friends,

I’d like to talk to you today about Self-Amputation. Now, when you’re getting ready to saw-off a body-part, say, around half of your arm or such like, you really have to be prepared. Amputation can be a painful process, and should you pass-out during it, you may wake up only to find out you’ve actually died of massive blood-loss! Yes, that’s something we really want to avoid at all costs, especially when we have your eternal salvation to think about.

Remember what Jesus Christ said, in Mark 9:43-47,

43 And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
45 And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
47 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire:

See, Jesus cannot be clearer on this subject. If you have offensive limbs, you MUST cut them off, lest your vile sinful body-part drags you down to Hell with them! Glory!

Say you have a hand that’s given to chronic masturbation. HACK IT OFF! Say you have an eye that glances at another man in a homosexual manner? RIP IT OUT YOUR HEAD! Say you have fingers that touch small children in an inappropriate manner? CUT THEM OFF! It is the only way you’ll get to Heaven!

Now, let’s look at the amputation process...

Amputation Guide No.1 - The hand.

http://impactednurse.com/pics/amputation.jpg

It probably won't come as a great surprise to the folks here, but the hand is the most popular body-part to amputate. But it has to be done right! I think we all remember what happened to poor Pastor Faithways, after he was charged with molesting all those kids. But for those of you who don't remember, the good Pastor tried to cut off his offending hand with a rusty hacksaw blade, and couldn't get through the bone. He must have been sawing at that thing for hours, before passed out with the pain and bloodloss. They found him a few days later in a pool of his own blood, dead, with the offensive hand still hanging on by the bone. If he had just used a decent bone-saw he'd probably be in Heaven right now, singing with the Angels. But NO! He couldn't even remove a simple hand! Now Pastor Faithways burns in Hell! A warning to all others who cannot perform a simple amputation!

So first, let's look at the tools required to remove your hand properly –

THE AMPUTATION BONESAW

http://www.medicalantiques.com/medimage/tmnsaw.jpg

THE AMPUTATION CLEAVER

http://www.fightingknives.info/Porta...%20cleaver.JPG

However, remembering we’re living in the 21st Century, I would recommend something a bit more fast and effective. Remember, our aim is to get your hand off, and get it off FAST! So let’s look at a few electric power-tools that should be up to the job –

THE ELECTRIC CIRCULAR SAW

http://www.germes-online.com/direct/...rcular_Saw.jpg

THE CHAIN-SAW

http://www.made-in-china.com/image/2...301-4500A-.jpg

I would recommend using the electric circular saw, as it should be easier to operate one handed. Now, onto the process of removing the hand –

STEP 1 – Sterilization

Before cutting off a part of your body, you must make sure the surrounding area is adequately clean to prevent infection, so be sure to wash with warm water. I also recommend using soap, and make sure your wrist is adequately clean from dirt or grease.

It is also a good tip to wash or clean the saw-blade of any dust or animal blood before use.

STEP 2 – Pain Relief.

Cutting off a body part may be painful, so make sure you take a few asprin before you begin. Nothing too strong, remember you want to have all your wits about you during the amputation.

STEP 3 – The Amputation Itself

This is the simplest step. Take the electric saw, and cut off your hand as quickly as possible. The quicker the better! This should cause you the least pain. Now we’re almost there!

http://dr-bakhach.net/photo/chirurgi...p_image002.jpg


STEP 4 – Cauterization

After you have cut off your hand, there may be some bleeding. It may be a simple case of just dabbing the bloody stump with a few paper towels, and then it may be ready for bandaging. However, some may find their wound may be bleeding excessively. If this is the case, it must be cauterized.

Cauterization means burning the wound to stop the bleeding, and sealing up your wound. This can be done any one of several ways. From dipping the stump in gasoline, and setting it alight, to placing it in the flames of a large fire, to burning it with a simple house-hold steam iron.

Now you’re ready to bandage! Congratulations!

STEP 5 – The Healing process

Now that you have performed your amputation, you may be in a little pain and discomfort. The best thing I would say it to get a little sleep, and give that thing a chance to heal. Rubbing salt in your wound will also help speed up the healing process, which should take a few days.


IF ANYONE ELSE HERE HAS TIPS ON SELF AMPUTATION, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO POST THEM.


COMING SOON : Amputation Guide No.2 – Sawing off an Offending Foot.


http://www.lonewolffx.com/images/lar...amputation.jpg


(You may also wish to see the Landover Baptist Church Guide to Self-Circumcision! Praise!)

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

I'm unsure what you're suggesting here, Brother Percy. Are you thinking about cutting off one of your extremities? That seems extreme, if not unsafe. Maybe you should consider something sharper, like a band saw or a ninja sword. Plus, it would help to have an assistant, since the pain is going to make it tough to finish the job. Is that allowed?

Have you thought of joining the army as a medic? You could practice on the unfortunate Muslims of Iraq. A lot of them HAVE to have limbs amputated. I suspect they use the best tools available.

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

Don't worry, Brother N, I have no need to hack off any of my limbs. I just wouldnt like to see any other good Christians go the same way as poor Pastor Faithways. :thumbdown:

Plus, I think Jesus was pretty clear on that subject, "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off ... and ....if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out" He doesn't say "Have a friend do it for you.", so I think it's pretty certain he wants you to remove your own offensive limb all by yourself. Glory!

I think this verse should also give hope to all repentant Sodomites. Praise Jesus!

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

Brother Percy, this puts me in mind of a sort of 'self-amp' thread I began some time ago on the Lesch-Nyhan syndrome.

Apparently some Youthful sinners choose to self-cannibalize offending parts (including fingers, noses, soft palates) at ages so early they aren't even yet feeling the stirrings of sexural feelings, Bless them!!! :D

http://http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?p=281539#post281539

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

Of course, you're a bit stuck after both your hands have offended you. I suppose there are always those tree-shredder things for limbs and other extremities and sharp iron fences for eyes...

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

This must have been a call to god for help:

Quote:

Texas death row inmate pulls out eye, eats it By MICHAEL GRACZYK, Associated Press Writer Michael Graczyk, Associated Press Writer – Sat Jan 10, 12:10 am ET http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/2...YIdSILSZv6ig-- HOUSTON – A Texas death row inmate with a history of mental problems pulled out his only good eye and told authorities he ate it. Andre Thomas, 25, was arrested for the fatal stabbings of his estranged wife, their young son and her 13-month-old daughter in March 2004. Their hearts also had been ripped out. He was convicted and condemned for the infant's death. While in the Grayson County Jail in Sherman, Thomas plucked out his right eye before his trial later in 2004. A judge subsequently ruled he was competent to stand trial. A death-row officer at the Polunsky Unit of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice found Thomas in his cell with blood on his face and took him to the infirmary. "Thomas said he pulled out his eye and subsequently ingested it," agency spokesman Jason Clark said Friday. Thomas was treated at East Texas Medical Center in Tyler after the Dec. 9 incident. Then he was transferred and remains at the Jester Unit, a prison psychiatric facility near Richmond southwest of Houston. "He will finally be able to receive the mental health care that we had wanted and begged for from day 1," Bobbie Peterson-Cate, Thomas' trial attorney, told the Sherman Herald Democrat. "He is insane and mentally ill. It is exactly the same reason he pulled out the last one." At his trial, defense lawyers also argued he suffered from alcohol and drug abuse. Thomas does not have an execution date. The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals in October upheld his conviction and death sentence for the death of 13-month-old Leyha Marie Hughes. Also killed March 27, 2004, were his wife, Laura Christine Boren, 20, and their son, 4-year-old Andre Lee. Thomas, from Texoma, walked into the Sherman Police Department and told a dispatcher he had just murdered the three and had stabbed himself in the chest. Thomas told police how he put his victims' hearts in his pocket and left their apartment, took them home, put them in a plastic bag and threw them in the trash. Court documents described the three victims as having "large, gaping wounds to their chests."

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

Brother,

you should not take the scripture this serious. Sure, you should not sin, but what about this:

Example:
I live a sinful life with e.g. masturbating.
I confess that the LORD is JESUS and I BELIEVE.
Then I read the scripture and start thinking,
"So JESUS wants me to cut my hand off, because I do masturbating?" -
So I cut my hand off, have a lot of pain and can't use it anymore.

Then after this, I realize, I still have the thoughts about masturbating.
So, I cut the other hand off, too.

After the same procedure, cut and pain, I realize, still the same thoughts.

Then I come closer to GOD and realize, he can HEAL me and CLEAN me.

After praying and fasting and praying and fasting and believing GOD healed me. :thumbsup:


So, for what did I cut my two hands off then?! :wacko: :thumbdown:
Satan is having a party for what I did. :devil:

Remember, John 10:10. :thumbsup:
So, don't destroy your own body. Have faith in GOD that he will HEAL you. :innocent:

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

You tell us not to take Scripture this seriously, and then you cite Scripture to us? I hope you're not one of those liberal cafeteria Christians who think that those parts of the Bible that they like are God's Word. <_<

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

I know this FALSE Christian has been band but Jesus is tasking me to reply to these false, Satan inspired words; you have a simple choice

a) masturbate and damn yourself a self-sodomist

or

b) Make a heroic sacrifice and gain the Kingdom of Heaven for all eternity.

How can a fleeting, three to ten second involuntary spasm of the name nature as being electrocuted equal an eternity of bliss?

Show some sense and cut that hand off friends.

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

My only comment is that it might be wise to post some sort of graphical warning, would hate for an unsuspecting woman or child to scare themselves. Other than that excellent thoughts about the electric handsaw. The chainsaw seems unwieldy to me, and thus probably dangerous to other unintended limbs. Would hate to lose an innocent leg as well as an arm. :innocent:

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

If masturbation causes you to sin, why not just learn to be more responsible about our actions rather that blindly cut off a hand and calling it even?

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

Are you helping him with a hand job or something?

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/985...23reckless.png

Dangers:
Death to blood loss
Death due to infection
Death due to going into shock
Cardiac arrest

Greater danger:
You noob get halfway done, faint and need to go to hospital. They send you to insane asylumn where they pump you full of medicine, have fun vegetable.

Get it done, everyone thinks you are a psycho and leaves you.

The least what will happen:
Loose job if you are employed.
Family leaves you.
Friends leave you.
Your church say's you are possessed by demons and kicks you out.
Noone wants anything to do with you.

Best that can happen:
Knife/saw falls on ground, you stagger and fall headfirst ontop of it, death follows instantly without pain or realization how domb you must look to the people who find you.

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

Is this a Joke?
you're Telling people to cut their limbs off!
i'm sorry, that was rude seeing as you obviously have mental issues.
so you used your hand for something wrong once, surely thats not going to ruin your chances of getting into "heaven" if your an over all nice person.
If people actually gave two piffles about what the bible says, there would be a hell of alot of handicap people today.
Luckily, not everyone in this world is as stupid as you are.
:fear2:

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

Friend.
Take a look around you.
Look at how many millions of Christians there are in the world today.
You think they are all stupid?
Why are you so perfect? What makes you so right and all of us so wrong?

You are the stupid one. All Atheists are only fit for the funny farm.

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

Perhaps the hand is not the body part that he needs to amputate.

Matthew 19:11-12: "But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

This is actually a very easy process that can be done with a band-saw that has a motorized feeding table on it. It will go through any limb and the supporting bone structure like butter. Glory!

-ND

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

It's no more a joke than is the Bible itself.

Not quite. Jesus is telling people to cut their limbs off.

Since when is being "an over all nice person" what gets you into Heaven?

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

Since when is being "an over all nice person" what gets you into Heaven?[/QUOTE]

Since always. You get judged by your deeds towards the people around you, not by what you do to yourself(i.e. masturbating). It's the whole idea behind the ''Love thy neighbor, love thy enemy'' phrase, which is one of the few phrases that could have been actually said by Jesus, and not fabricated by the writers of the Bible.

Why would someone who teaches and preaches love and understanding, compassion and kindness, tell you to mutilate yourself over a silly thing like masturbating.

And if masturbating gets you into hell, 95% of earth human populace has a one way ticket to hell since the age of around 12, 13, 14. Maybe 15 for the shy ones.

And if you just ban and ignore me, or ban and then answer, it just shows you're afraid to enter a debate, and know that I'm right. So, whats it gonna be? Admit that I'm right, or finally stand up for your beliefs which you're all so proud about

Re: The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
 

You're first post here and you claim you're right and all of us are wrong, a bit arrogant, aren't you? Worse, you have no evidence, no logic, nothing at all to back up your claims. All you say is God teaches love and associated bullshit, and use your own statement as proof that you're right.

Why don't you read your Bible and then come here to debate, it might then be worthwhile for both of us. Your current method of discussion only serves to expose you as an ignorant fool.