Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

The other night I was teaching my sons some Christian math by proving that universe is 6000 years old by counting genealogy from the Bible. After we finished our studies, I put my calculator back to my work desk drawer.

Now that I turned it on again, I noticed that I had received a message from the LORD through my calculator. What can this mean? :(
I am happily married and I am totally not gay, everybody knows this.
Yes, I have been lately watching MMA, body building and various types of gay porn but all this in totally non gaysexual way. I only used it to study the lingo of these gaysexual people so I could be more efficient when I witnessing at them in their hangout spots.

Has some hateful atheist been praying on my behalf or something? Of course, one time when I was performing my Christian duty with my wife I accidentally touched my erected tallywhacker and I have to confess that once I touched anus when my finger went through toilet paper. Could these gaysexual acts have damned my soul into hell? What should I do?

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

Could be you got a demonic one. Is it still under warranty? I'm pretty sure that they'll send you a new one, if you explain what happened.

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

Pastor Zeke, the TI-85 was popular around 20 years ago...so I doubt it would still be under warranty.

I think Jesus is warning Brother Alphonse about future events. Perhaps all the MMA viewing has infested his mind and potentially creating an opening through which Satan may penetrate. I think Jesus is saying to gird up, Brother:

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

People mistook me for a queer sexual because of my purple sox. So I had Paster Zeke cast the demons out of them. Best 725 bucks I ever spent.

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

What a Holy Man is that Pastor Zeke. He all but gives his time to save our lives.

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

I'm not an expert, but Brother... did you perhaps accidentally press the "SIN" button? :unsure:

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

It seems to me that you may have typed that message to yourself, because I studied computer science, and the calculator does not just do that on its own. Also, the bible never uses the word fag, so im pretty suspect as to your religious vigor, you may be a heathen. You need to repent, get saved again, because you will be going to hell if you dont. I can help you with that. Message me.

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

Of course it still has warranty. TI-85 is the last model made under direct supervision of that time governor of Texas, Godly George W. Each one from that line has been approved by the chosen one himself, so they are True Christians™ of calculators. Despite satanic SIN button.

I think you are right. I might have to ask Zeke to exorcise that calculator and my finger of sin. Maybe my tallywhacker and anus as well just in case.

Read again, no one here said that calculator did it on it's own. Message was typed by Jesus. On that other matter, Bible does not mention anal sex either. This just proves that it was a direct message from the LORD, not just some random Bible quote. Leviticus 18:22 just made His point clear.

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

That posits a very interesting question...

when we talk about all who are truly born again (as all TRUE CHRISTIANS), we rightly say they are eternally saved and kept by the power of God.

Could his keeping take this form?

PRAY TO JESUS!

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

Cause you are gay, embrace it! :)

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

Who let the loony out?

PRAY TO JESUS!

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

People are so lazy these days. Another one who did not read the original post :angry:

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

Despite the unsettling message, I think we can all agree that yet another miracle has occurred that Jesus-haters will have a very difficult time explaining.

GOD WINS AGAIN!!!

:praise:

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

Mark 1:3

The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight.


PRAISE THE LORD!

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

I know brother, this is yet another undeniable proof that God exist and I am really happy that He decided to talk to me.
It's just that this is the first time Jesus has ever spoken to me directly so I guess I secretly wished for some more uplifting message. Ah well, God moves in mysterious ways.

GLORY!

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

If GOD thinks that the right message for you is to warn you of your weakness, then who are we to outguess HIM.

Now that I started connecting the dots, was not that message very close to your finding your purple socks? Could JESUS be warning you that you have chosen too dangerous a path to serve HIM?

As for your wishes, may I quote JESUS HIMSELF?

Mark 14:36

And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

If GOD decided that the right message for you was a cupcake recipe, then you should feel most honored, being personaly addressed by GOD is as good as it gets.

PRAISE THE LORD!

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

I hate to say this but have you thought a more obvious answer than Jesus personally typed in those words for you?

That's right: one of your son's is gay. Or has been anally raped by a family friend or mentor.

Jesus has your back, friend. You need to see to your sons. Before it is too late.

On a lighter note, I'm available for private one to one counselling with the youth who turns out to have been up to anal antics to help bend him into shape (and I'll waiver the normal initial consultation fee).

YIC

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

Don't spare the rod, remember you'd be the only thing between that hairless, slender catamite and satan's priapic barbed wired tally-waker!

Make him cry under the rod until the demons spurt out of his anus and he's ready to receive JESUS's redeeming presence.

PRAISE THE LORD!

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

Oh, Do not twist my words. I never once said i was a god hater. I believe what -i- want to believe. That's enough for anything. I'm not sitting in a church and letting some man tell me how i should live -my- life. I live it how god intended, to be me.

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?
 

Hmmph, I guess asking which orifice "god" speaks to you from will have to wait until you're out of quarantine. :(