X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 1
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous template Next
  • #1

    Ex-Male Prostitute Saved By Jesus

    Hello.

    My name is Michael Stephen Auberjonois de Baudelaire Smith Jr. Until a few weeks ago, I'd been dead inside. My only source of income was performing vile, sinful acts upon men of the homosexual persuasion.

    One day, as I was on my knees fellating a fellow through a gloryhole, I tipped my head back, and as the fellow ejaculated onto my tongue, I saw the name JESUS etched into the wall. I went home and found a KJV Bible, and my life has never been the same.

    JESUS is the only man who comes inside me now. By his Blood have I been cleansed. Praise JESUS CHRIST, Son of the Living God. Amen!
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Ex-Male Prostitute Saved By Jesus

    Okay, first, EW. TMI!

    Second,

    GLORY!

    I do hope we can truly count you among the Saved! So tell us, which Bible Verse does Jesus speak to you most clearly through? How have you turned your life around to praise Him?
    Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Ex-Male Prostitute Saved By Jesus

      Hold on a minute: If this was through a glory hole, how were you getting paid?

      I'd sure hate to think you're just some deviant who gets off by posting descriptions of gay sex in a Christian forum!
      WARNING:
      In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
      REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Ex-Male Prostitute Saved By Jesus

        Hello, Michael. I'm sorry to hear that you are an ex-male. Did you suffer an accident like an overly-tight sphincter squeezing it off? How has this affected your prostitution?


        Pray hard and maybe Jesus will take pity on you and let you grow a new member, because you can't get into heaven without one.
        Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Ex-Male Prostitute Saved By Jesus

          Are you sure a Mexican landscaper wasn't in there before you?
          Mark 13:22
          “For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect.”

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Ex-Male Prostitute Saved By Jesus

            Dear Miss Ex-Male,

            I cannot claim to understand the details of the antics you describe in your relatively obscure but apparently well-meaning opening post. Why should you have been glorifying Christ our Lord through a hole when regular prayer is just as effective is beyond me. Still, as you seem to hint, it cannot have been good.

            1 Corinthians 5:6
            Your glorying is not good. Know ye not that a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump?

            I am only hoping that we are not talking about fornication here.

            1 Corinthians 5:1
            It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father's wife.

            In that case, you have come to the right Forum as our connections to Jesus through the miracle of effective prayers are extremely well documented and the results on those aspiring to leave sin behind are excellent.

            1 Corinthians 5:7
            Purge out therefore the old leaven, that ye may be a new lump, as ye are unleavened. For even Christ our passover is sacrificed for us:

            Please, let us help you make yourself a new lump!


            Yours in Christ,

            Elmer
            2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



            PREPARE YOURSELF TO RAPTURE WITH THIS MANUAL!
            Check out our Research in Creation Science:

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Ex-Male Prostitute Saved By Jesus

              Originally posted by alooneymormon View Post
              Are you sure a Mexican landscaper wasn't in there before you?

              Considering his name, probably. I'm curious though, do Mormons let beaners into their places of false worship? I don't seem to recall Joseph Adam Smith marrying any wetbacks. Come to think of it, there haven't been many of them in Utah ever since your kind occupied the state after being booted out of every other state.
              Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Ex-Male Prostitute Saved By Jesus

                I castrated myself to prevent future sinning.

                My favorite KJV Bible verse is Deuteronomy 23:13.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Ex-Male Prostitute Saved By Jesus

                  Originally posted by Gingers Are Demons View Post
                  I castrated myself to prevent future sinning.

                  My favorite KJV Bible verse is Deuteronomy 23:13.
                  Hello Ex-Male,

                  Welcome to the forum. As you seem to have read Deuteronomy, what do you think God will do to you after your unfortunate loss of your "stones"? (Deuteronomy 23:1) To me it seems you have lost your special place in Heaven next to Jesus.

                  Kind regards,

                  Roland
                  Jeremiah 6:21 Therefore thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will lay stumblingblocks before this people, and the fathers and the sons together shall fall upon them; the neighbour and his friend shall perish.

                  Best wishes for the people in Ukraine.

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Ex-Male Prostitute Saved By Jesus

                    Originally posted by Roland View Post
                    Hello Ex-Male,

                    Welcome to the forum. As you seem to have read Deuteronomy, what do you think God will do to you after your unfortunate loss of your "stones"? (Deuteronomy 23:1) To me it seems you have lost your special place in Heaven next to Jesus.

                    Kind regards,

                    Roland
                    Please, Mr. Roland. Don't intimidate this aspiring Follower of Christ. Mr. Eunuch here still has a chance for Salvation!




                    Matthew 19:12
                    For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

                    If I may, I'd also like to emphasize that while the OT passage may seem to be in contradiction to the NT passage, it is perfectly reasonable that Jesus - as the author of both volumes - may re-define some of the Commandments based on His recent three-day sacrifice on the Cross. Obviously, other criteria for Salvation are still valid (please, see. e.g., Ecclesiastes 12:13).


                    Yours in Christ,

                    Elmer
                    2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



                    PREPARE YOURSELF TO RAPTURE WITH THIS MANUAL!
                    Check out our Research in Creation Science:

                    Comment

                    Previous template Next
                    Working...
                    X