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-   -   JesOS: What's in YOUR future? (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=4383)

Pastor Al E Pistle 09-02-2007 01:41 AM

JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Windows made billions for Billy-Bob Gates. MAC-OS, whatever that is, made millionaires out of those two hippies, Jobs and the Pollock. But now, we have something completely different! An operating system that NEVER REQUIRES AN UPGRADE.

JesOS!



Pastor Deacon Fred 09-02-2007 01:44 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Pastor Al and Brothers and Sisters in Christ Jesus,

We have put together a press release regarding JesOS™. The features (and there are dozens more many of you know about since you have been testing the system now for the last several months) are outlined as well as some screen shots during the early test phases from Brother Ezekiel's home PC.

Thanks to the Landover Baptist Community College, and the Department of Creation Science for making this possible. Please pick up your $800 complimentary copy of JesOS™ in the church lobby after this Sunday's service.

The system is required to be loaded on all church members' and family PCs by October 15, or you will be fined $1200. $800 will cover the cost of the sofware and $200 for the Landover Community College tech dept to install the software. The other $200 will go to Jesus.

Please use this area to post any glitches, praise offerings, experiences, or new discoveries as we migrate the entire church over to JesOS™.

(PRESS RELEASE: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0907/jesOS.html)

SUV 09-02-2007 02:48 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Cruciform Christ! I mean, Sweet JesOS, there he is! Pastor Deacon FRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :wub:

Pastor Ezekiel 09-03-2007 02:11 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Deacon Fred (Post 91704)
Pastor Al and Brothers and Sisters in Christ Jesus,


Please use this area to post any glitches, praise offerings, experiences, or new discoveries as we migrate the entire church over to JesOS™.

(PRESS RELEASE: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0907/jesOS.html)

Praise Jesus and praise JesOS™! The system is working just fine. When I attempted to follow a link to view a Godless video on You Tube provided by an unsaved heathen, my JesOS™ blocked the video within 3 seconds, sent me a mild electrical shock through the keyboard (thank you JesOS, may I have some more?), and alerted me that the subject in the video was a known communist and wanted by the DOF. Praise JesOS™ and Jesus, that wad of filth is on his way to GITMO even now.

Things couldn't be better! Double plus good!! Glory!!

Mrs. Mary Whitford 09-04-2007 02:28 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
You know, I had no idea that one of the various names for a cat is also the name for a woman's... you know. :blushroll: There I was, JesOS™ freshly installed, and I decided to test it out and search for some pictures of young women playing with sweet kitties to share with our own delightful Petal (who has been a little down in the dumps lately it's true), when the next thing I know, Landover Security was at my door!
After spending the next five hours explaining myself to a trio of pastors, everything was sorted out and I was allowed to return home with the provision that I only search the words "cat", "kitten", and "kitty" or their plurals from now on if I want to find pictures of these delightful creatures.

PRAISE JESUS! This operating system works better than I could ever have hoped for! Now we finally have safe computing for all True Christians™, children and adults alike!

Sister Noddy 09-04-2007 03:06 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria (Post 92231)

You know, I had no idea that one of the various names for a cat is also the name for a woman's ... you know. :blushroll: There I was, JesOS™ freshly installed, and I decided to test it out and search for some pictures of young women playing with sweet kitties to share ...

You know Sister, that's just one more thing wrong with our Godless society today, the butchering of the English language!

Hmmmm, some of the most innocent words for things can have ... um ... other meanings, so that we ladies must be constantly on the lookout for our Christian virtue and decorum. :giggle:

Sister Autumn "T" Sandeen 09-04-2007 04:27 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
I hope Landover Baptist Community College Computer Science instructor, Pastor Isaac Peters, contacts Ina Fried at CNET.com so she can share the good news about JesOS with the righteous online.

Praise Jesus!

:jesus:

Pastor Al E Pistle 09-04-2007 05:59 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sister Autumn "T" Sandeen (Post 92238)
I hope Landover Baptist Community College Computer Science instructor, Pastor Isaac Peters, contacts Ina Fried at CNET.com so she can share the good news about JesOS with the righteous online.

Praise Jesus!

:jesus:

Why would a GODLY Pastor communicate with a.....with a......a........what the heck IS Ian/Ina?

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 09-04-2007 07:31 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
I have been networking with business associates and we have discussed possible software bundles for JesOS™.

Idealy, we would like a system whereby immoral software is detected, deleted, and then replaced by an appropriate Christian program.

For example:

Program .................. Replaced with:

Wolfenstien.............. Super 3D Noah's Ark
Toilet Kids.................Spiritual Warfare
Starcraft...................Left Behind: Eternal Forces
Tetris.......................Exodus: Journey to the Promise Land
Civilization.................JFK Reloaded

Warrior in Christ 09-04-2007 05:19 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
I think there needs to be an implement/extra feature that tracks each individuals location, web-traffic, email, instant message conversations, credit card numbers and bank account access for extra tithing, and virtually every aspect of each individual's internet lives. This way if there are terrorists or FALSE Christians attempting to dissect the software for their perverse satanic causes we'll know about it.

I've noticed the strong security implements that have already been installed, but why not take it a step further with mandatory automatic updates that increase these features?

Plus, what harm would it do? You can't hide anything from Jesus, so why would you have to hide anything from the creators of JesOS and the DOF?

Trent Harvey, Jr. 09-06-2007 08:38 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Well, I have a long wishlist of features I'd like to see, but I just got some intel about how our programmers are going to be far to busy to impliment very much at the moment.

It turns out that Ron Paul is getting an awful lot of votes and might actually win the Republican Nomination. A whole new generation of voting machines have to be programmed to make sure that never happens.

So don't panic because of all those internet polls that Ron Paul has won, he won't win jack in the primaries. Diebold and friends are seeing to that.

Darren Ingram-Myers 09-17-2007 03:59 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
The linked article makes it sound like a bad thing to bring diversity and multiculturalism to the development of software. Then again, we should rely less on technology and the linear, syllogistic, Eurocentric throught processes that produced it.

Brother Temperance 09-18-2007 01:49 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Is there any way we can modify JesOS so it kills more trees? Dolphins would be good as well, or any furry baby animal with big eyes.

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 09-18-2007 02:56 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance (Post 95596)
Is there any way we can modify JesOS so it kills more trees? Dolphins would be good as well, or any furry baby animal with big eyes.

I have a prototype mousepad made from the fur of seal fetuses. I could put them into production and ship them with JesOS.

However, after reading of disturbing developments in human-animal breeding, I'm worrying that some of these fetuses might be part-human.

Nobar King 09-18-2007 04:16 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond (Post 95610)
I'm worrying that some of these fetuses might be part-human.

Well, their skulls would be needed in hell for paving.

Pastor Isaac Peters 09-18-2007 04:24 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance (Post 95596)
Is there any way we can modify JesOS so it kills more trees?

Such a sophisticated and feature-rich OS will presumably require a large manual.

Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. 09-18-2007 04:31 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
I'm working on the hardware aspect of it now, through a generous research grant.... If all goes well, we will have a diesel powered computer by Christmas!

pplandarts 09-27-2007 12:41 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
where i can download it?

Trent Harvey, Jr. 09-27-2007 12:44 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by pplandarts (Post 97612)
where i can download it?

Every time you commit software piracy, Jesus has to kill a kitten.

Pastor Ezekiel 09-27-2007 12:47 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by pplandarts (Post 97612)
where i can download it?

Since you aren't a True Christian™ the JesOS isn't available to you.

Why not post something about yourself in the "introductions" thread? We'd like to get to know you...

pplandarts 09-28-2007 02:28 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
ohh sorry, I joined here because is interesting this Os, catolic guy. I will write some about me.

Pastor Ezekiel 09-28-2007 03:29 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by pplandarts (Post 97874)
ohh sorry, I joined here because is interesting this Os, catolic guy. I will write some about me.

Who are you adressing? There is no "catolic guy" here. We are True Christians™, not mary worshiping cultists.

I look forward to hearing about your favorite Bible verses. :thumbsup:

Pastor Billy-Reuben 09-28-2007 03:30 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Well, friend. I'll tell you how you can get JesOS. It isn't available as a download. It's free as in salvation. First, you have to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, and you have to demonstrate your salvation by setting up a generous tithing schedule.

Once you have been a member in good standing for long enough, we will send a technician over to your house to install the software. As part of the License Agreement, you will have to agree to a search of your property for alcohol, drugs, pornography, and books about liberal politics or science, with all contraband being confiscated, and your tithing schedule adjusted upwards accordingly.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

Pastor Billy-Reuben 10-01-2007 06:03 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
We need to conduct an audit. Some atheist over at RichardDawkins.net has a copy of the JesOS install CD. Who is missing their copy? You will be much better off if you come clean now instead of waiting for Bobby Joe's security detail to perform house-to-house searches.

Quote:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Calilasseia
Unfortunately I couldn't get Jes-OS to run on my PC. I kept hearing voices calling me a "goat pleasuring son of a one eyed whore" whenever I put the CD-ROM in the drive, and sulphurous smoke kept erupting from the back of the system case ...

Yeah, that will happen. Did you admit that you are a worthless sinner, accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, and provide your bank account number and routing number to Landover Baptist Church during the install, as the license agreement requires?

The programmers use a faith-based approach to software development, so they know the software is 100% free of bugs, and testing is not required. Because of the developers' faith, the Holy Ghost adds tons and tons of surprising and unexpected features. Only a unsaved heathen would consider such to be bugs. They are working on getting PraiseZilla up and running, so that a list can be compiled of all the exciting additional features the users have been blessed with. The LORD is so good!

I have to ask how you obtained your copy. I thought it was only supposed to be available to silver-level tithers or higher in good standing.

Pastor Billy-Reuben
LandoverBaptist.net

Pastor Al E Pistle 10-01-2007 07:47 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Billy-Reuben (Post 98645)
We need to conduct an audit. Some atheist over at RichardDawkins.net has a copy of the JesOS install CD. Who is missing their copy? You will be much better off if you come clean now instead of waiting for Bobby Joe's security detail to perform house-to-house searches.

PDF's copy disappeared while he was at the AAI convention.

SUV 10-01-2007 09:57 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle (Post 98664)
PDF's copy disappeared while he was at the AAI convention.

What's AAI, Pastor? "American Atheist Intervention?" by any chance?

I want to go too :repent:

Pastor Ezekiel 10-02-2007 01:14 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SUV (Post 98684)
What's AAI, Pastor? "American Atheist Intervention?" by any chance?

I want to go too :repent:

Don't ask, sweet sister. And whatever you do, do not google AAI.

WilliamJenningsBryan 10-02-2007 05:06 AM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle (Post 98664)
PDF's copy disappeared while he was at the AAI convention.

I would not be too concerned Pastor Pistle, JesOS is encrypted and the license agreement mentions Leviticus (26) as punishment to all those who violate its covenants (something that heathen Bill Gates never thought of).

Brother Temperance 10-02-2007 02:00 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 98719)
Don't ask, sweet sister. And whatever you do, do not google AAI.

Good advice, I only wish I'd taken it. The Athletics Association of Ireland is a horrific thing indeed.

Fock Me 11-29-2007 08:11 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
WTF?!!??!!!?!?! yall r soooooo gay! like someone is going to actually care if yall gave the download to other people or not. yall r being just like Mircrosoft! JesOS should be a freely distributed form of OS and remember that Jesus wants to good to ALL humanity not only Christians so if you just kept that OS to ur selves Jeses him self is going to get mad at you.

Pastor Billy-Reuben 11-29-2007 08:15 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Fock You (Post 112933)
JesOS should be a freely distributed form of OS

What are you, a communist or something?

Next you'll tell us you want it open source so you can re-compile it with the automatic tithing and porn blocking disabled.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

Fock Me 11-29-2007 08:29 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
lol i didnt say i want the source i just said the OS i never said anything about the source plus puttin that in reality its just like what Jesus said that everyone have the right to choose what ever he wants but if he choose the wrong path then your pretty much going to hell and thats the same thing for the software if someone disabled the porn blocker then good for him, the spiders in hell r also waitin for him

Pastor Billy-Reuben 11-29-2007 08:36 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Fock You (Post 112937)
lol i didnt say i want the source i just said the OS i never said anything about the source plus puttin that in reality its just like what Jesus said that everyone have the right to choose what ever he wants but if he choose the wrong path then your pretty much going to hell and thats the same thing for the software if someone disabled the porn blocker then good for him, the spiders in hell r also waitin for him

Friend, I can't make heads or tails of that post. Would you mind rewriting that, using complete sentences, a spell checker, and punctuation?

Thank you.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

iggybeans 04-28-2012 02:09 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Where's the download link?

Pastor Isaac Peters 04-28-2012 02:44 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by iggybeans (Post 877940)
Where's the download link?

Dear friend:

Please read the thread before posting. Thank you, and have a blessed day.

James Hutchins 04-28-2012 03:14 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Pastor Peters, is there a newer version of JesOS? I currently have 7.21 Not there is anything wrong with it but I was wondering if there are any enhancements to improve the Biblical experience.

iggybeans 04-28-2012 06:50 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters (Post 877947)
Dear friend:

Please read the thread before posting. Thank you, and have a blessed day.


Forgive me pastor, I didn't realize it was that simple.
I don't even have to install it myself?

Pastor Ezekiel 04-28-2012 11:44 PM

Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by James Hutchins (Post 877953)
Pastor Peters, is there a newer version of JesOS? I currently have 7.21 Not there is anything wrong with it but I was wondering if there are any enhancements to improve the Biblical experience.

I've been meaning to ask you if you're ready to step up to "Gold Tither" status, friend. After all this time stuck at the silver level, wouldn't it be good to know what the inside of the Gold Tither Men's Lounge looks like? :shades2:


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