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-   -   Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL? (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=41600)

Bobby-Joe 08-03-2011 07:23 PM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul the gypsy scum (Post 780486)
Dear Pastor Ezekiel

Are you sure, the Eunuch life is my way ?
Do you think I am able to live without wife and children ?
Marriage is really forbidden to me ?

It's your choice Paul
Marriage and an afterlife of ass rape in Hell by an demonic version of Ernest Borgnine.
or
Chop your daddy bit off and party with Jesus.
Take some personal responsibility Paul and make you mind up.

Paul the Foreigner 08-03-2011 09:27 PM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe (Post 780497)
It's your choice Paul
Marriage and an afterlife of ass rape in Hell by an demonic version of Ernest Borgnine.
or
Chop your daddy bit off and party with Jesus.
Take some personal responsibility Paul and make you mind up.

If I choose the Eunuch life, you and this church accept me as True Christian ?

Brother Harold Porter 08-03-2011 10:33 PM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul the gypsy scum (Post 780528)
If I choose the Eunuch life, you and this church accept me as True Christian ?


Absolutely not. Jesus Christ might have sympathy for you, and maybe offer you redemption, but you are never permitted to even associate with True Christians™.

Deuteronomy 23:1 "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD."

In Christ

Dan U. Holier 08-03-2011 10:50 PM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Besides incontestable scriptural arguments against masturbation; accordingly to a noted Swiss doctor Samuel-Auguste Tissot masturbation causes "a perceptible reduction of strength, of memory and even of reason; blurred vision, all the nervous disorders, all types of gout and rheumatism, weakening of the organs of generation, blood in the urine, disturbance of the appetite, headaches and a great number of other disorders."

But there is a solution for all obsessive masturbators:

http://cdn.edu-search.com/uploads/antimasturbation6.jpg

Pastor Ezekiel 08-04-2011 02:31 AM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul the gypsy scum (Post 780486)
Pls, sorry for repeating myself, but I'm not sure that Pastor Ezekiel read my post above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel http://www.landoverbaptist.net/image...s/viewpost.gif
No True Christian™ father would sell their daughter to you, gypsy! Better take a different path. :shades2:

Dear Pastor Ezekiel

Are you sure, the Eunuch life is my way ?
Do you think I am able to live without wife and children ?
Marriage is really forbidden to me ?

I asked Jesus about your case and He was 100% clear: Go get a razor and start slicing, pal.

Paul the Foreigner 08-04-2011 10:36 AM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 780592)
I asked Jesus about your case and He was 100% clear: Go get a razor and start slicing, pal.

I don't understand.
I want to become True Christian. Gice me chance! I can change.

Brother Harold Porter quoted this verse:
Deuteronomy 23:1 "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD."

But I want to enter to the Congregation.

I think, I should remain unmarried, but I don't think the God wants the physically castration.

Cranky Old Man 08-04-2011 10:53 AM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul the gypsy scum (Post 780648)
I don't understand. I want to become True Christian. Gice me chance! I can change.

You don't get it. It's not us you need to beg to, it's Jesus. Get down and start praying until your knees start bleeding. Then keep praying.

Paul the Foreigner 08-05-2011 12:05 AM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 780649)
You don't get it. It's not us you need to beg to, it's Jesus. Get down and start praying until your knees start bleeding. Then keep praying.

I don't know how to do it... I mean, what should I say to Jesus ?
Can you write me a sample prayer or something ?
What should I to confess ?

Cranky Old Man 08-05-2011 08:46 AM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul the gypsy scum (Post 780841)
I mean, what should I say to Jesus ?

A suggestion:

"Lord Jesus, I know that I have sinned against you. I know that I am not perfect and that I cannot please you through my own efforts. I know that I deserve to be judged according to my sins. And, I know that I have nothing to offer you.

Lord Jesus, I ask you to forgive me of my sins. Please cleanse me and make me right before you. I trust in what you have done on the cross. I do not rely on myself but only on you and I receive you as Lord of my life and as savior of my soul. Lord Jesus, save me. I look to you alone."

You clearly need to do some serious Bible study.

Paul the Foreigner 08-05-2011 10:27 AM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 780912)
A suggestion:

"Lord Jesus, I know that I have sinned against you. I know that I am not perfect and that I cannot please you through my own efforts. I know that I deserve to be judged according to my sins. And, I know that I have nothing to offer you.

Lord Jesus, I ask you to forgive me of my sins. Please cleanse me and make me right before you. I trust in what you have done on the cross. I do not rely on myself but only on you and I receive you as Lord of my life and as savior of my soul. Lord Jesus, save me. I look to you alone."

You clearly need to do some serious Bible study.

Thank you for your help.
I don't know how to proove, but I told this to Jesus with humility.
I will do serious Biblie study as you said, but I read some scripture that I don't understand exactly.
Am I allowed to open new topic in the Bible Study forum ?

Pastor Ezekiel 08-06-2011 12:15 AM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul the gypsy scum (Post 780929)
Thank you for your help.
I don't know how to proove, but I told this to Jesus with humility.
I will do serious Biblie study as you said, but I read some scripture that I don't understand exactly.
Am I allowed to open new topic in the Bible Study forum ?

Have you sliced your testicles off for Jesus yet? We need to see the evidence. Send me your discarded gonads and I'll add them to my collection.

Paul the Foreigner 08-06-2011 08:18 AM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 781122)
Have you sliced your testicles off for Jesus yet? We need to see the evidence. Send me your discarded gonads and I'll add them to my collection.

I don't think that this is God's will, because of this scripture:
Deuteronomy 23:1 "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD."

But I would gladly wear a chastity belt device like that Dan U Holier showed above.

Pastor Ezekiel 08-06-2011 09:03 PM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul the gypsy scum (Post 781208)
I don't think that this is God's will, because of this scripture:
Deuteronomy 23:1 "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD."

But I would gladly wear a chastity belt device like that Dan U Holier showed above.

I'm not talking about a wound. I'm talking about intentional, purposeful castration, as the Holy Bible recommends! :rtfm:

Quote:

Matthew 19:12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
If you need help, Landover Baptist sells do-it-yourself kits. But they cost money.

Paul the Foreigner 08-06-2011 10:12 PM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 781288)
I'm not talking about a wound. I'm talking about intentional, purposeful castration, as the Holy Bible recommends! :rtfm:



If you need help, Landover Baptist sells do-it-yourself kits. But they cost money.

This is very painful decision, but it would be great to living with Jesus ALONE.

What is this "do-it-yourself" kit ? How is it cost ?
Can you show me a picture of it ?

Dan U. Holier 08-06-2011 11:27 PM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul the gypsy scum (Post 781308)
This is very painful decision, but it would be great to living with Jesus ALONE.

1) What is this "do-it-yourself" kit ?
2) How is it cost ?
3) Can you show me a picture of it ?

1) Porkert Meat Grinder Deluxe
2) ONLY $34.99 – for the top notch product; a great deal, don’t you think?
3) Yes:

http://cn1.kaboodle.com/hi/img/2/0/0...=1166390470000

Pastor Ezekiel 08-06-2011 11:45 PM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul the gypsy scum (Post 781308)
This is very painful decision, but it would be great to living with Jesus ALONE.

What is this "do-it-yourself" kit ? How is it cost ?
Can you show me a picture of it ?

The instructions are HERE.

Get busy, gypsy. :rtfm:

landoverlover 08-07-2011 05:39 AM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul the gypsy scum (Post 771179)
Is this really true miss Johnson ?
If someone does 30 seconds of pleasure, he will go to hell ?

Only 30 seconds? Wow, you must be visualizing Michele Bachman. I think God will forgive you over and over for understandingly succumbing to the monkey-spank temptation over the most beautiful creature He ever created. Which red-blooded American male could not secretly wish that Larry Flynt would make her an offer she couldn't refuse? We're only human....

Paul the Foreigner 08-07-2011 06:38 PM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 781327)
The instructions are HERE.

Get busy, gypsy. :rtfm:

Please noble pastor, don't call me gypsy. I am not gypsy.
And I cannot castrate myself.
Perhaps you should travel here to my country, and do it for me.
You pay the travel, of course.

Cranky Old Man 08-07-2011 09:39 PM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul the gypsy scum (Post 781437)
And I cannot castrate myself.

Why not?

Paul the Foreigner 08-08-2011 11:49 AM

Re: Is Touching Yourself Worth an Eternity in HELL?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 781471)
Why not?

I rather want to wear a chastity belt device, not castration.


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