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Pastor Ezekiel 12-13-2009 11:38 AM

Manly Jokes
 
Since we are alone here, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite jokes with you guys. Feel free to post your own.

Q: What do 10,000 "abused" women have in common?

A: They just wouldn't listen!




Q: What do you say to a woman with two black-eyes?

A: Nothing - you already told her twice!...



Q: Whats the first thing a beaten wife should do after coming back from hospital after the last "incident"?

A: The dishes if she know's whats good for her.

Brother Enoch 12-13-2009 02:52 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the grim reaper comes says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them, the first women dives in an d drowns immedietly. the second women jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. the grim reaper says to the man, now what will you do, and the man says, i'll go across the bridge

Wide-Open 12-13-2009 03:25 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Ezekiel Bathfire 12-13-2009 11:49 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
50 things women can't do

01. Know anything about a car except its color
02. Understand a film plot
03. Go 24 hours without sending a text message
04. Lift
05. Throw
06. Run
07. Park
08. Fart
09. Read a map
10. Rob a bank
11. Resist Ikea
12. Sit still
13. Tell a joke
14. Play pool
15. Pay for dinner
16. Eat a pizza whilst walking
17. Pee out of a train window
18. Argue without shouting
19. Get told off without crying
20. Understand fruit machines
21. Walk past a shoe shop
22. Make a decent bacon sandwich
23. Not comment on a stranger’s clothes
24. Use small amounts of toilet paper
25. Let you sleep with a hangover
26. Drink a pint gracefully
27. Get a round in
28. Throw a punch
29. Do magic
30. Like your friends
31. Enjoy porn
32. Eat a really hot curry
33. Get to the point
34. Buy plain envelopes
35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
37. Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends
38. Avoid credit card debt
39. Dive into a pool
40. Assemble furniture
41. Roll a booger between finger and thumb
42. Set a DVD recorder
43. Not try and change you
44. Watch a war film
45. Understand why flirting results in violence
46. Spend a day by themselves
47. Go to the toilet by themselves
48. Buy a wallet that fits in their pocket
49. Choose any clothes quickly
50. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above

James Hutchins 12-14-2009 01:59 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
A few days ago, I was out with my wife and I asked her opinion....


Sometimes, I just crack myself up :lol:

Levi Jones 12-14-2009 02:20 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
What do you call the worthless piece of skin around the vagina?

A woman.




Why do women have legs?

That way they don't leave a slug trail.

Brother Enoch 12-14-2009 02:25 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Now...Heres the difference between a Mans Visit to the ATM, and a womens.


Men:

1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser

2- Insert card

3- Dial code and desired amount

4- Take the cash and the card

5- Return to car, drive away

************************************************

Women:

1-Drive to the bank

2-Check make-up in the mirror

3- Apply perfume

4- Manually check haircut

5- Park car - failure, retry

6- Park car - failure, retry

7- Park car - success

8- Search for the card in the handbag

9- Insert card, rejected by the machine

10- Throw phone card back in handbag

11- look for bank card

12- Insert card

13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag

14- Enter code

15-Study instructions for 2 minutes

16- #Cancel#

17- Re-enter code

18- #Cancel#

19- Call husband to get correct code

20- Enter desired amount

21- #Error#

22- Enter smaller amount

23- #Error#

24- Enter maximum amount

25- Cross fingers

26- Take cash

27- Go back to the car

28- Check make-up in rear mirror

29- Look for keys in handbag

30- Start car

31- Drive 50 yards

32- STOP

33- Drive back to bank machine

34- Get out of the car

35- Take card back from machine

36- Go back to the car

37- Throw card on passenger seat

38- Check make-up in rear mirror

39- Manually check haircut

40- Go into roundabout - wrong way

41- Brake, reverse

42- Go into roundabout - right way

43- Drive 5 miles

44- Remove hand brake

wrongpathtaker 12-14-2009 04:31 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Levi Jones (Post 431134)
What do you call the worthless piece of skin around the vagina?

A woman. .



Women are equals, YOU IDIOTS !

Pastor Ezekiel 12-14-2009 04:39 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by rightpathtaker (Post 431178)
Women are equals, YOU IDIOTS !

Care to back that up with Scripture, boy? :rtfm:

And who asked for your unsaved opinion anyway? :threaten:

Jed_Cassidy 12-14-2009 04:49 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

Bryan Tamariki 12-14-2009 05:32 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So that they don't look like lezbean feminazis.

Nobar King 12-14-2009 06:05 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
How do you convert a dishwasher to a snowplow?









Give the bitch a shovel

Jed_Cassidy 12-14-2009 06:07 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Why do women have breasts?



So men have something to look at while they're talking.

Hank 12-14-2009 06:31 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
why do women wear white on their wedding day?

so the dishwasher matches the fridge

True Disciple 12-15-2009 12:15 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
I believe the Bible doesn't specificate which kind of fruit Eve got from the Tree, but given the obsessive lust for chocolate that all women share, it must have been a cocoa bean.

Pastor Ezekiel 12-23-2009 05:38 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
1. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!

2. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3. What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

4. What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

5. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.

6. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

7. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

8. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what
have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

9. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

10. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

11. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink..

12. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

13. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

14. Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

15. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

16. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

17. I married my 'Miss Right'.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

18. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's s*ex
drive by 90% ....
it's called a Wedding Cake.

19. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

20. Women will never be equal to men ...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.

Father Thomas Martin 12-23-2009 10:27 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Q: Who will introduce Landover Baptist Church to national broadcast TV?
A: John Walsh-he hosts America's Most Wanted.

Pastor Ezekiel 12-23-2009 12:34 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin (Post 434255)
Q: Who will introduce Landover Baptist Church to national broadcast TV?
A: John Walsh-he hosts America's Most Wanted.

That was in poor taste. But I expect nothing more from you papist dogs. :glare:

Rev. M. Rodimer 12-23-2009 07:42 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by wrongpathtaker (Post 431178)
Women are equals, YOU IDIOTS !

Now, THAT is funny! :haha:

Women are definitely equal. To other women . . . :rofl:

An-Unintelligent-Person 02-19-2010 12:38 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
A pastor, a smart Atheist and a Intelligent women were walking down the street when they all saw a doller bill lying on the street, who picked it up.

The Pastor, the other ones dont exit

Paul Jeffery 02-19-2010 05:45 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
After years of his wife's begging, Mike finally agrees to take his wife golfing with him. The third hole is a par 5 with a dogleg fairway that hooks to the left and has a small caretaker's shed off to the right, just before the bend. Mike slices the piss out of his tee shot and finds his ball lying in the rough with the shed directly between his ball and the green. His wife says, "Mike, I've got a great idea! If I hold the shed door open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green right through the shed!" Mike decides it's worth a shot, grabs a 1-iron, stands a little forward of the ball, but slices it again. The ball hits the door jamb inside the shed, ricochets and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

About a month later, Mike is on the same course with his buddies and, sure enough, he slices it on the third fairway and finds himself in a familiar situation. His friend says, "Mike, I've got a great idea! If I hold the shed door open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green right through the shed!" As he's grabbing his 9-iron, Mike replies instantly, "Oh no! Last time I tried that I took a double bogey!" :thumbsup:

Godfly 02-20-2010 12:27 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Since this is a men only forum just this once I'll work blue.

How long does it take a woman to orgasm?


Who the Hell cares!

Brother Enoch 02-20-2010 03:44 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul Jeffery (Post 474264)
After years of his wife's begging, Mike finally agrees to take his wife golfing with him. The third hole is a par 5 with a dogleg fairway that hooks to the left and has a small caretaker's shed off to the right, just before the bend. Mike slices the piss out of his tee shot and finds his ball lying in the rough with the shed directly between his ball and the green. His wife says, "Mike, I've got a great idea! If I hold the shed door open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green right through the shed!" Mike decides it's worth a shot, grabs a 1-iron, stands a little forward of the ball, but slices it again. The ball hits the door jamb inside the shed, ricochets and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

About a month later, Mike is on the same course with his buddies and, sure enough, he slices it on the third fairway and finds himself in a familiar situation. His friend says, "Mike, I've got a great idea! If I hold the shed door open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green right through the shed!" As he's grabbing his 9-iron, Mike replies instantly, "Oh no! Last time I tried that I took a double bogey!" :thumbsup:

Lol.

And in the same vein...

Gerald and Spencer are on the 14th hole when Gerald sees a funeral procession passing by in the distance. Gerald stops and places his hat over his heart until the procession passes by. Spencer, impressed, pats his friend on the shoulder saying he didn't know he was so sentimental.

"I'm not, usually," Gerald said. "but, after all, we were married for 42 years."

Hi Shane 02-25-2010 04:16 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 431184)
Care to back that up with Scripture, boy? :rtfm:

And who asked for your unsaved opinion anyway? :threaten:

He does not have to back that up with script. It is the rightful truth. Do YOU care to back up the fact that they arn't equal with script? And I don't mean bullshit script that could mean what you want if you really thought about it in a different way... script that you dirty, racist, sexist, abusive, power hungry christians use to change peoples minds so that you can be in "power".

I WANT EVERY HARCORE CRISTIAN TO WATCH THE FOLLOWING MOVIE "The Invention Of Lying". It shows what very well may have happened many many years ago. You have NO evidence that everything or anything in the bible is true. I wont lie... I am not religeous but I do agree with SOME of the stuff in the bible (That people should not lie etc.). Be reasonable here... I refuse to follow a religion because there is no evidence that any of it is real. If one of the many religions are real (for sure). Then by all means I would be that religion. But for now there is no evidence that there is a god and there is no evidence that any religion is real.

P.S. If you ban my account or I.P adress it just goes to show that you are scared that people might stop beleaving some of the fake stuff you people say... Scared that you may lose some of you power.

Suck dick! Pussy beaters! :devil: :lex_12:<---Power hungry christians

Think about it.

Hi Shane 02-25-2010 04:25 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Hi Shane (Post 478128)
He does not have to back that up with script. It is the rightful truth. Do YOU care to back up the fact that they arn't equal with script? And I don't mean bullshit script that could mean what you want if you really thought about it in a different way... script that you dirty, racist, sexist, abusive, power hungry christians use to change peoples minds so that you can be in "power".

I WANT EVERY HARCORE CRISTIAN TO WATCH THE FOLLOWING MOVIE "The Invention Of Lying". It shows what very well may have happened many many years ago. You have NO evidence that everything or anything in the bible is true. I wont lie... I am not religeous but I do agree with SOME of the stuff in the bible (That people should not lie etc.). Be reasonable here... I refuse to follow a religion because there is no evidence that any of it is real. If one of the many religions are real (for sure). Then by all means I would be that religion. But for now there is no evidence that there is a god and there is no evidence that any religion is real.

P.S. If you ban my account or I.P adress it just goes to show that you are scared that people might stop beleaving some of the genuine stuff you people say... Scared that you may lose some of you power.

Suck dick! Pussy beaters! :devil: :lex_12:<---Power hungry christians

Think about it.

DO NOT CHANGE MY POST! I DID NOT SAY "SOME OF THE GENUINE STUFF YOU PEOPLE SAY" I DID NOT ADD THE GENUINE PART!

Levi Jones 02-25-2010 04:35 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Hi Shane (Post 478128)
He does not have to back that up with script. It is the rightful truth. Do YOU care to back up the fact that they arn't equal with script? And I don't mean *edited* script that could mean what you want if you really thought about it in a different way... script that you dirty, racist, sexist, abusive, power hungry christians use to change peoples minds so that you can be in "power".

I WANT EVERY HARCORE CRISTIAN TO WATCH THE FOLLOWING MOVIE "The Invention Of Lying". It shows what very well may have happened many many years ago. You have NO evidence that everything or anything in the bible is true. I wont lie... I am not religeous but I do agree with SOME of the stuff in the bible (That people should not lie etc.). Be reasonable here... I refuse to follow a religion because there is no evidence that any of it is real. If one of the many religions are real (for sure). Then by all means I would be that religion. But for now there is no evidence that there is a god and there is no evidence that any religion is real.

P.S. If you ban my account or I.P adress it just goes to show that you are scared that people might stop beleaving some of the genuine stuff you people say... Scared that you may lose some of you power.

:lol::lol:

That's hilarious! Sometimes you unsaved trash crack me up with your humorous stories!

christian18 02-25-2010 05:30 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
what's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?


A fist

True Sinner 03-06-2010 01:29 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
A middle aged couple are approaching their wedding anniversary, the wife has just finished putting him to rights over a cup of tea with her friends, about how he never remembers their anniversary and has never bought her a gift in his life, when he comes walking through the front door carrying a big, gift wrapped box with a big ribbon and bow.

"Wow" the wife says shocked... "Whats up with you?"

"Its our anniversary darling" the husband jovially states "Aren't you going to open it?"

The wife, hesitantly, pulls the ribbon and lifts the lid off the box, has a look in and her face turns to thunder... "What the hell is that?" she demands.

"Clearly, it is a frog" the husband remarks sarcastically, "In fact, it is a very rare Venezuelan cock-sucking tree frog"

"What the hell am i going to do with a Venezuelan cock-sucking tree frog?" the wife enquires.


"Teach it to cook and piffle off" came the reply!



:devil:

Cranky Old Man 03-06-2010 01:53 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by True Sinner (Post 484089)
... some fantasy about sex with a frog ...

Did anyone ever tell you that you are not funny? Did you think they where joking? They were not!

Rev. M. Rodimer 03-08-2010 10:49 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Leave it to Godless Venezuelans to come up with sexual relations with amphibians. :bad:

Paul Jeffery 07-15-2010 06:11 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
All the discussion of the "erection in church" problem reminds me of a joke!

Q: What is ten inches long, has a circumference of nearly four inches, and is white?

A: Nothing

:)

Levi Jones 07-15-2010 08:49 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt!

How do they know Princess Diana used Head & Shoulders?
They found hers on the dashboard!

Why don't women need to drive?
Because there isn't a road between the stove and my phallus.

iluvdarwin 07-15-2010 09:03 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
A man comes busting into his house waving a piece of paper in the air. "Honey, go in there and start packing. I just won the lottery!!!" "Oh my, what do I pack for? Should I pack for the winter, are we going to Aspen? Or are we going to Jamaca, should I pack for summer?" To which the man replies, "I don't care what you pack for just get out of my house!"

WinnerNotSinner 07-15-2010 09:45 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by godizluv (Post 559592)
A man comes busting into his house waving a piece of paper in the air. "Honey, go in there and start packing. I just won the lottery!!!" "Oh my, what do I pack for? Should I pack for the winter, are we going to Aspen? Or are we going to Jamaca, should I pack for summer?" To which the man replies, "I don't care what you pack for just get out of my house!"

Were the couple married? Divorce is a sin, not something to be joked about.

iluvdarwin 07-16-2010 12:39 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Were the couple married? Divorce is a sin, not something to be joked about.
from the "old pervert gives pedophelia underwear to underage" thread
Quote:

Since Reverend Jim is in the middle of divorce proceedings,
Maybe you should mention that to your fellow "christian brother"...Ass Hat!

WinnerNotSinner 07-16-2010 12:52 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by godizluv (Post 559668)
from the "old pervert gives pedophelia underwear to underage" thread

Maybe you should mention that to your fellow "christian brother"...Ass Hat!

His situation is unique, in that he has been married to his wife for 3 years and she is suspected of ADULTERY.

Matthew 5:32
But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.


So no, I wont be mentioning it to him. I still cannot believe you made that horrible joke :(.

Jimmy C Lombardo 07-16-2010 07:35 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Q:What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Mmhpmph

Q: What did one woman say to the other?
A: Who cares

Mark Christ 07-16-2010 02:43 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Three women were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first woman said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second woman said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third woman said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The women were still arguing when the train hit them.

Bryan Tamariki 07-17-2010 01:11 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
What did Dodi Al-Fayed say to his bodyguard?
"Would you like to go to Paris with me and Di?"

Benedict A. Davis 07-25-2010 06:47 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
What do you say to a messicant on a $800 bicycle?

STOP, THIEF!


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