Manly Jokes
Since we are alone here, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite jokes with you guys. Feel free to post your own.
Q: What do 10,000 "abused" women have in common? A: They just wouldn't listen! Q: What do you say to a woman with two black-eyes? A: Nothing - you already told her twice!... Q: Whats the first thing a beaten wife should do after coming back from hospital after the last "incident"? A: The dishes if she know's whats good for her. |
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. 2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the grim reaper comes says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them, the first women dives in an d drowns immedietly. the second women jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. the grim reaper says to the man, now what will you do, and the man says, i'll go across the bridge |
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A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen. |
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50 things women can't do
01. Know anything about a car except its color 02. Understand a film plot 03. Go 24 hours without sending a text message 04. Lift 05. Throw 06. Run 07. Park 08. Fart 09. Read a map 10. Rob a bank 11. Resist Ikea 12. Sit still 13. Tell a joke 14. Play pool 15. Pay for dinner 16. Eat a pizza whilst walking 17. Pee out of a train window 18. Argue without shouting 19. Get told off without crying 20. Understand fruit machines 21. Walk past a shoe shop 22. Make a decent bacon sandwich 23. Not comment on a stranger’s clothes 24. Use small amounts of toilet paper 25. Let you sleep with a hangover 26. Drink a pint gracefully 27. Get a round in 28. Throw a punch 29. Do magic 30. Like your friends 31. Enjoy porn 32. Eat a really hot curry 33. Get to the point 34. Buy plain envelopes 35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet 36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold" 37. Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends 38. Avoid credit card debt 39. Dive into a pool 40. Assemble furniture 41. Roll a booger between finger and thumb 42. Set a DVD recorder 43. Not try and change you 44. Watch a war film 45. Understand why flirting results in violence 46. Spend a day by themselves 47. Go to the toilet by themselves 48. Buy a wallet that fits in their pocket 49. Choose any clothes quickly 50. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above |
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A few days ago, I was out with my wife and I asked her opinion....
Sometimes, I just crack myself up :lol: |
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What do you call the worthless piece of skin around the vagina?
A woman. Why do women have legs? That way they don't leave a slug trail. |
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Now...Heres the difference between a Mans Visit to the ATM, and a womens.
Men: 1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser 2- Insert card 3- Dial code and desired amount 4- Take the cash and the card 5- Return to car, drive away ************************************************ Women: 1-Drive to the bank 2-Check make-up in the mirror 3- Apply perfume 4- Manually check haircut 5- Park car - failure, retry 6- Park car - failure, retry 7- Park car - success 8- Search for the card in the handbag 9- Insert card, rejected by the machine 10- Throw phone card back in handbag 11- look for bank card 12- Insert card 13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag 14- Enter code 15-Study instructions for 2 minutes 16- #Cancel# 17- Re-enter code 18- #Cancel# 19- Call husband to get correct code 20- Enter desired amount 21- #Error# 22- Enter smaller amount 23- #Error# 24- Enter maximum amount 25- Cross fingers 26- Take cash 27- Go back to the car 28- Check make-up in rear mirror 29- Look for keys in handbag 30- Start car 31- Drive 50 yards 32- STOP 33- Drive back to bank machine 34- Get out of the car 35- Take card back from machine 36- Go back to the car 37- Throw card on passenger seat 38- Check make-up in rear mirror 39- Manually check haircut 40- Go into roundabout - wrong way 41- Brake, reverse 42- Go into roundabout - right way 43- Drive 5 miles 44- Remove hand brake |
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Women are equals, YOU IDIOTS ! |
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And who asked for your unsaved opinion anyway? :threaten: |
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..." |
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Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So that they don't look like lezbean feminazis. |
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How do you convert a dishwasher to a snowplow?
Give the bitch a shovel |
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Why do women have breasts?
So men have something to look at while they're talking. |
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why do women wear white on their wedding day?
so the dishwasher matches the fridge |
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I believe the Bible doesn't specificate which kind of fruit Eve got from the Tree, but given the obsessive lust for chocolate that all women share, it must have been a cocoa bean.
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1. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her! 2. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. 3. What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman 4. What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it. 5. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there. 6. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. 7. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. 8. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. 9. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. 10. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 11. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.. 12. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' 13. How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 14. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. 15. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 16. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. 17. I married my 'Miss Right'. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 18. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's s*ex drive by 90% .... it's called a Wedding Cake. 19. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. 20. Women will never be equal to men ... until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. |
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Q: Who will introduce Landover Baptist Church to national broadcast TV?
A: John Walsh-he hosts America's Most Wanted. |
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Women are definitely equal. To other women . . . :rofl: |
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A pastor, a smart Atheist and a Intelligent women were walking down the street when they all saw a doller bill lying on the street, who picked it up.
The Pastor, the other ones dont exit |
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After years of his wife's begging, Mike finally agrees to take his wife golfing with him. The third hole is a par 5 with a dogleg fairway that hooks to the left and has a small caretaker's shed off to the right, just before the bend. Mike slices the piss out of his tee shot and finds his ball lying in the rough with the shed directly between his ball and the green. His wife says, "Mike, I've got a great idea! If I hold the shed door open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green right through the shed!" Mike decides it's worth a shot, grabs a 1-iron, stands a little forward of the ball, but slices it again. The ball hits the door jamb inside the shed, ricochets and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.
About a month later, Mike is on the same course with his buddies and, sure enough, he slices it on the third fairway and finds himself in a familiar situation. His friend says, "Mike, I've got a great idea! If I hold the shed door open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green right through the shed!" As he's grabbing his 9-iron, Mike replies instantly, "Oh no! Last time I tried that I took a double bogey!" :thumbsup: |
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Since this is a men only forum just this once I'll work blue.
How long does it take a woman to orgasm? Who the Hell cares! |
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And in the same vein... Gerald and Spencer are on the 14th hole when Gerald sees a funeral procession passing by in the distance. Gerald stops and places his hat over his heart until the procession passes by. Spencer, impressed, pats his friend on the shoulder saying he didn't know he was so sentimental. "I'm not, usually," Gerald said. "but, after all, we were married for 42 years." |
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I WANT EVERY HARCORE CRISTIAN TO WATCH THE FOLLOWING MOVIE "The Invention Of Lying". It shows what very well may have happened many many years ago. You have NO evidence that everything or anything in the bible is true. I wont lie... I am not religeous but I do agree with SOME of the stuff in the bible (That people should not lie etc.). Be reasonable here... I refuse to follow a religion because there is no evidence that any of it is real. If one of the many religions are real (for sure). Then by all means I would be that religion. But for now there is no evidence that there is a god and there is no evidence that any religion is real. P.S. If you ban my account or I.P adress it just goes to show that you are scared that people might stop beleaving some of the fake stuff you people say... Scared that you may lose some of you power. Suck dick! Pussy beaters! :devil: :lex_12:<---Power hungry christians Think about it. |
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That's hilarious! Sometimes you unsaved trash crack me up with your humorous stories! |
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what's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A fist |
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A middle aged couple are approaching their wedding anniversary, the wife has just finished putting him to rights over a cup of tea with her friends, about how he never remembers their anniversary and has never bought her a gift in his life, when he comes walking through the front door carrying a big, gift wrapped box with a big ribbon and bow.
"Wow" the wife says shocked... "Whats up with you?" "Its our anniversary darling" the husband jovially states "Aren't you going to open it?" The wife, hesitantly, pulls the ribbon and lifts the lid off the box, has a look in and her face turns to thunder... "What the hell is that?" she demands. "Clearly, it is a frog" the husband remarks sarcastically, "In fact, it is a very rare Venezuelan cock-sucking tree frog" "What the hell am i going to do with a Venezuelan cock-sucking tree frog?" the wife enquires. "Teach it to cook and piffle off" came the reply! :devil: |
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Leave it to Godless Venezuelans to come up with sexual relations with amphibians. :bad:
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All the discussion of the "erection in church" problem reminds me of a joke!
Q: What is ten inches long, has a circumference of nearly four inches, and is white? A: Nothing :) |
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt! How do they know Princess Diana used Head & Shoulders? They found hers on the dashboard! Why don't women need to drive? Because there isn't a road between the stove and my phallus. |
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A man comes busting into his house waving a piece of paper in the air. "Honey, go in there and start packing. I just won the lottery!!!" "Oh my, what do I pack for? Should I pack for the winter, are we going to Aspen? Or are we going to Jamaca, should I pack for summer?" To which the man replies, "I don't care what you pack for just get out of my house!"
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Matthew 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. So no, I wont be mentioning it to him. I still cannot believe you made that horrible joke :(. |
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Q:What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Mmhpmph Q: What did one woman say to the other? A: Who cares |
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Three women were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first woman said, "Those are deer tracks." The second woman said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third woman said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The women were still arguing when the train hit them. |
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What did Dodi Al-Fayed say to his bodyguard?
"Would you like to go to Paris with me and Di?" |
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What do you say to a messicant on a $800 bicycle?
STOP, THIEF! |
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