The Landover Baptist Church Forum

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-   -   Introduction (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=98007)

Holy Henry 03-24-2014 09:54 PM

Introduction
 
Hello my friends. Finally I have found a forum suitable for real Christians like myself.

My name is Henry and I used to be a dirty, filthy alcoholic atheist. I used to think I knew it all and often watched ridiculous videos featuring demons such as Christopher Hitchens, Neil DeGrasse Tyson and other monkey loving ignorant fools.

One day i was being a typical atheist scumbag and because I was so blind I accidentally wandered into my local church, Ebenezer Chapel. There were about 4 people in there getting ready for an evening of worship and I started mocking them with my circular logic and asked them if god could make a curry so hot that he couldn't eat it. I felt proud of my powerful faith destroying statement and turned around to walk out only for the wind to blow the church door shut and slam me in the face.

I was then informed it was God's way of making me stay. And I knew from that very moment that God was real and was calling me.

I have been in love with God ever since that day and was no longer an alcoholic. The only thing I thirsted for was the blood of Christ.

That's my testimony, I'm ashamed of my former ways. But I hope with your help I can become a better man.

KateSanders 03-24-2014 10:06 PM

Re: Introduction
 
Welcome to God's favorite forums! Good to know that you turned away from your sinful ways, but you left out some vital information. What is your favorite Bible verse? Remeber KJV only. Are you married? If so, how many children have you produced for God?

Holy Henry 03-24-2014 10:12 PM

Re: Introduction
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by KateSanders (Post 1076074)
Welcome to God's favorite forums! Good to know that you turned away from your sinful ways, but you left out some vital information. What is your favorite Bible verse? Remeber KJV only. Are you married? If so, how many children have you produced for God?

My apologies. My favourite verse would have to be Phil. 4:13

I have one child. No I am not married and no longer with his mother. I had my child when I was an atheist lowlife so didn't respect the family unit the LORD desires. My son is now 6 and I hope it's not too late to undo some of the damage I have done.

Zechariah Smyth 03-24-2014 10:29 PM

Re: Introduction
 
GLORY! Jesus sent you here just in time. He could've dropped a piano on your head, but instead He guided you here.

:yahoo: :praise: :yahoo:

As an aside, I just don't see God eating something as injun-inspired as curry. I bet He likes Tabasco.

Yours in Christ,

Z. Smyth

Alvin Moss 03-24-2014 11:48 PM

Re: Introduction
 
Welcome, Brother.

I am glad you got off the road to Hell. It's a slippery slope, that one.

Inspire us with your testimony.

God Bless!

Naomi Ruth Lamb 03-25-2014 12:24 AM

Re: Introduction
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Holy Henry (Post 1076075)
My apologies. My favourite verse would have to be Phil. 4:13

I have one child. No I am not married

Not married?
Aww, sweetie. Let Naomi help you through this terribly dark time in your life.

Yours,
NRL

Holy Henry 03-25-2014 12:24 AM

Re: Introduction
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Alvin Moss (Post 1076121)
Welcome, Brother.

I am glad you got off the road to Hell. It's a slippery slope, that one.

Inspire us with your testimony.

God Bless!

How I knew it was a miracle is because before then the door used to open inwards, and it still does open inwards.... But that day it didn't.

Mary Etheldreda 03-25-2014 01:10 AM

Re: Introduction
 
How inspirational! Welcome to our friendly forums! Any friend of :jesus-fancy: is a friend of mine!

Tell me, how does the LORD inspire you to share the Good News?

Pastor Ed Lowman 03-25-2014 01:33 AM

Re: Introduction
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Holy Henry (Post 1076071)
Hello my friends. Finally I have found a forum suitable for real Christians like myself.

My name is Henry and I used to be a dirty, filthy alcoholic atheist. I used to think I knew it all and often watched ridiculous videos featuring demons such as Christopher Hitchens, Neil DeGrasse Tyson and other monkey loving ignorant fools.

One day i was being a typical atheist scumbag and because I was so blind I accidentally wandered into my local church, Ebenezer Chapel. There were about 4 people in there getting ready for an evening of worship and I started mocking them with my circular logic and asked them if god could make a curry so hot that he couldn't eat it. I felt proud of my powerful faith destroying statement and turned around to walk out only for the wind to blow the church door shut and slam me in the face.

I was then informed it was God's way of making me stay. And I knew from that very moment that God was real and was calling me.

I have been in love with God ever since that day and was no longer an alcoholic. The only thing I thirsted for was the blood of Christ.

That's my testimony, I'm ashamed of my former ways. But I hope with your help I can become a better man.

Welcome, Henry.

I rejoice in Jesus Christ the Lord that you are among those few who have turned their back on atheopathic lies to follow Jesus©. And it's a good thing since I have no doubt that any day now Jesus is going to rain fire and brimstone down on each and every laboratory in this country outside of Freehold.

The atheists you mentioned have recently reached a new low as they now worship some fellow named Higgs Boson. There simply aren't words to describe the blasphemy.

I look forward to your Godly participation on Jesus' Favorite Message Boards.

Warm Regards,

Pastor Ed

Pastor Ezekiel 03-25-2014 02:59 AM

Re: Introduction
 
Welcome to God's favorite forum. How many times were you anally raped while you dabbled in the atheist lifestyle? Howe many Christian babies did you eat?

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

Holy Henry 03-25-2014 03:07 AM

Re: Introduction
 
Pastor, I was never anally raped when I was an atheist pig. I willingly allowed men to sodomise me and it was a lifestyle choice I enjoyed for many years. The thought that there was no God heightened the attraction I felt towards men.

I believed I was born that way, but I also foolishly believed I was born color blind too until I realised I was living a lie. God showed me I had made the wrong lifestyle choices and has spoken directly to me and confirmed this since I was saved.

Naomi Ruth Lamb 03-25-2014 03:21 AM

Re: Introduction
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Holy Henry (Post 1076172)
Pastor, I was never anally raped when I was an atheist pig. I willingly allowed men to sodomise me and it was a lifestyle choice I enjoyed for many years. The thought that there was no God heightened the attraction I felt towards men.

I believed I was born that way, but I also foolishly believed I was born color blind too until I realised I was living a lie. God showed me I had made the wrong lifestyle choices and has spoken directly to me and confirmed this since I was saved.

Hello Again, Henry. As you may have noticed, I have offered to assist you in your pathway to finding a peace that will satisfy you and bring you the joy that only comes from intercourse with the faithful servants of JESUS.

However, upon learning of your past sodomite experiences, I would also recommend you immediately contact Dr. Laurence Niles. He is greatly experienced with homosexuality. One might consider him an expert on the gaywise, since he has devoted much of his life to watching them. Indeed, when he is not caring for his lithe, sinewy and well-proportioned nephew, he is likely frequenting establishments where the gaywise gather so that he may provide research vital to eradicating that blight on society. I am confident that Dr. Niles can help you forget those experiences and help you to find new, more exciting ones in Christ.

I look forward to our future communication as you grow hard and fast in your experience with the LORD.

Prayerfully,
MISS Naomi Ruth Lamb

Holy Henry 03-25-2014 04:42 AM

Re: Introduction
 
Hi Naomi.

I am thankful for your offer of assistance, and I am very interested.

How do you propose we go forward with this?


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